Our Work, In The Age of The Comment Section

No siren did ever so charm the ear of the listener as the listening ear has charmed the soul of the siren.

-Henry Taylor

My fingers were on the keyboard typing furiously. I would read a response, feel my blood pressure going up, and fire off another well thought out, reasoned, intelligent and passionate response to what I thought was ridiculous, reactionary, garbage. I was right. They were wrong. And, by golly, I was going to prove it.

But, after an hour, all I found was exhaustion, disappointment, anger and a feeling of hopelessness. How on earth had this conversation devolved into one of vitriol and fumes rather than substance and true discourse with someone I actually liked? Furthermore, how had I allowed myself to get to a point where I was staring at a screen, exasperated and sad, just plain sad, for the state of our world?

If you know me, you know that this is not my M.O. I’m no Pollyanna, not by a longshot. But I also choose to have a positive outlook on life. I am a peacemaker at heart, and I usually try to hear someone else’s point of view and can concede when I am wrong.

Well, most of the time, anyway. I can agree to disagree, and I can also find common ground.  One of my favorite activities is sitting down with someone at a table, on a park bench, for a long car ride, or on a porch, and listening, truly listening, to their hearts.

You’ve noticed it too, right? The propensity of our current environment towards responses that do not recognize the inherent dignity of human beings? Sarcasm, anger and hatred as go-to responses rather than rational and calm discussions.

“Never read the comment section” is advice I received long ago, referring to the comments in the printed publications like newspapers and online articles, blogs and social media posts. It’s as if everyone is behind a wall where they do not see the effects their words have on others on the opposite side of the wall. It is not just an impasse or a disagreement, at times it can seem like out and out war. Facts lead to opinions and then to personal attacks. Others jump in like allies, and before you know it … blitzkrieg. Shouting without sound, yet the reverberations are cataclysmic.

The work we do at KFTC has always been fraught with controversy. We are no strangers to opinions that are different from ours. Our platform issues are vast, and though we know they are just based on sound research, facts and the stories of our neighbors and friends, we have always had detractors.

So, what can we do to bring about true change? We begin with intentionality in soliciting true conversations where we reframe the argument from us versus them into crafting, collectively, the kind of world in which we want to live.

The art of a good debate is not only getting your opinion across, but disproving your opponent. When I am sitting with a friend who has a different opinion from me, though, I am not in a debate. I want a conversation. This is when I pull out my old active listening tools I learned in middle school.

According to the Conflict Research Consortium, “Active listening is a way of listening and responding to another person that improves mutual understanding. Often when people talk to each other, they don’t listen attentively. They are often distracted, half listening, half thinking about something else.”

Active listening cuts down on the moments where you are only waiting for the other person to stop talking (or typing) so that you can make your point.

Before I begin these conversations, I like to get a set of agreements down with the person I am talking to. Can we both agree not to raise our voices? Can we both agree not to interrupt? And so on. I also give them an opportunity to bring agreements to the table.  

Next, as I listen, I often find myself calming my breathing and listening for words and phrases I can repeat back to the person I am talking to. When it is my turn to talk, I summarize what they said and ask if I heard them correctly. It shows them that I am truly listening to them and even if we disagree, I can respect them. It is then when I take a beat, and respond rather than react to what was said.

This takes a lot of practice and is not something most people desire to take the time to do.

So, my advice to you, skip the comments section and opt for true dialogue. It is in that space that true change begins.